Well, I got up the gumption to write a big blog post last week – one that sort of spilled out of my soul all over the paper. To be honest, I wrote it in a Word Doc and let it sit for a few days while I allowed God to remind me that He stands between me and any critics in my life.
Tonight, I’m alone in the living room. My husband and older son are off in Mexico building a house with a church group for a family who needs something more than tattered boxes to call “home.” I’m praying hard over their trip – knowing God can build much more than a house in this process. As my two guys reach out to this family, God is reaching deep and I am praying that their hearts will be eternally changed for the good. It works that way. We pour out and we are filled simultaneously because we just can’t outgive God. Giving reminds us that we don’t own anything, and that we could just as easily be the recipient as the giver because there really is only One Giver and we are all beggars in His presence. Oh, we need those reminders.
Meanwhile I’m the single-parent to my younger son for a week. I forgot how hard only children can be. Don’t get me wrong, we’re having a party over here eating eggs for supper and playing board games and dancing to loud music in the living room and doing just about whatever we please, but it’s a full-time gig being his best friend for hours on end. I’m cherishing the moments and taking internal Polaroids of his eyes alive with laughter. I’m tracing these memories into my heart for the years ahead. This week is a gift I’ll unwrap time and again as he ages.
And in my quiet time – since I have more stillness with the population of our home temporarily cut in half – I am feeling the beckoning of God. He reminds me that when I am not careful I can fall into rhythms which go through the motions and avoid Him in the process. How I long for Him wholly. I want to be changed in the most important places. I don’t want to be changed to be a different person (isn’t that cool – I actually like being me these days!) but I do hunger for the fire to be lit so that I never settle for “enough” in my relationship with Him. I want to allow Him to have His way in my heart and life so that I can be radical for Him. Sometimes radical is quiet. It isn’t always being a foster mom to 18 disabled children or selling all your belongings to go reach those who don’t know Him in East Asia. Radical is a heart stance. It is the undivided love which looks at God and says, “yours.” It is going to Him and saying, “whatever” because whatever includes being with Him in new and deeper ways. That is the turn I feel coming and it makes me just a little giddy. Last week I was nervous to let Him enter into places where I am hurting. This week I feel the promise attached to His invitation. And the promise is that I don’t have to be perfect to be loved. And the call is radical like a mega roller coaster.